A Big Fat Mom Moment

You don't have to be a mom to feel disappointment, pain, loneliness, failure, but when those feelings are caused by your kids, they are felt in a completely different way. My very worst Mom-moment came about 3 and 1/2 years ago when I answered the phone at 10:00 at night and I heard one of my children say, "Mom, we're in trouble." Two of my three children were, indeed, in trouble. But for one, it would mean time in prison. Shortly after I hung up the phone that night, I found myself quite literally in a puddle on my bathroom floor. The pain I was feeling was so exquisite...as if inflicted by a surgical tool so sharp that there was no blood. I sobbed. Then, I sobbed some more. At some point during that interminable night, I actually questioned whether or not one could die from crying. But...I didn't die. I found my faith...not the "oh, I have faith" variety, but the "I give this to you, Lord" kind of faith...only this time, I really did.

"Time heals," they say. It may not heal, per se, but it does distance us from pain. In the instant that I gave my son's path to the Lord, I was free to love him unconditionally. It enabled me to share his experiences these past 3+ years, see the purpose of his life in prison, and be more proud of him than I thought possible. Gifts I could not have imagined awaited me...and all I had to do was acknowledge what I always knew...God was in control.

To quote a beautiful Facebook posting by a beloved friend, "sometimes the people with the worst pasts, create the best futures." Aaron's story is unfolding...but so is mine...and so is yours. That is God's design until our last breath. Today, Aaron begins anew. This time is different. This time, we both believe.

A Fountain of Forgiveness

I have always carried a level of guilt with me since childhood. Gut level because there is no identifiable reason why I should feel guilty about anything from my childhood. I was a loved, cared-for child. My first recollection of the irrational guilt came in the form of embarrassment. In the fourth grade, my family was disintegrating and we were undergoing family counseling. I remember being in those sessions so horribly embarrassed that we HAD to be there - that there was nothing I could do to prevent that humiliation of my family. Never mind that it was not mine to do anything about…I just felt like I should be able to fix it. Obviously, I couldn’t and I think that’s when I started to see myself as invisible. It played out over and over in my family. It was broken and I couldn’t fix it, so I made myself smaller and more invisible with each fracture. I finally found a way to remain invisible…by being involved in marriages and relationships so broken to start with that I couldn’t possibly fix them…thus ensuring my invisibility.

Last September, I realized a life-long dream to visit England and Ireland. I had many moments of déjà vu during that trip, but my final night was down-right surreal. After a day of traveling back to London from Ireland, I spent the evening seeing the people, shops and sights of Covent Gardens, followed by shopping in Picadilly. I was exhausted and my feet were screaming. I parked myself on the side of the fountain right there in Picadilly Circus and soaked up the sights and sounds. There was a dance “crew” busting moves right in front of me; a guy dressed up as Mr. Britain – head to toe and then some in Union Jack; a man playing a digeradoo; and, of course, all the neon lights competing for my attention. The crowd was vibrant and excited to be in London on a beautiful autumn night. I soaked up the sights and smells…committing them to memory.

As I did so, I had the overwhelming feeling that my wound in this life started there…right there in Picadilly Circus. I experienced a physical memory and an emotional response so profound that my associated thought was without doubt that I had not only been there before, but that also I had been at a crossroads with someone. I intuitively felt I had had the opportunity and power to make a choice that would fix a situation. I could’ve fixed it…but I chose not to. In an instant, I found myself sobbing at the memory of circumstances and a place I had never been before.

In the midst of this very strange and yet so real experience, I realized what I needed to do. It seemed so appropriate that I should ask forgiveness for not fixing whatever it was. For not choosing repair and resolution. Even though I don’t know who or what or why, I do know that when you send a word, thought or action into the Universe, it finds where it needs to go.

At least I know my request did, because the next thing I felt was release. Grace. Awash with forgiveness. As I walked away from Picadilly Circus that night, I knew I was leaving part of myself behind. The guilt I carried with me for half a century in this lifetime...was left at that fountain...and I walked away with a lighter heart and eyes on a future free of the past.