A Fountain of Forgiveness

I have always carried a level of guilt with me since childhood. Gut level because there is no identifiable reason why I should feel guilty about anything from my childhood. I was a loved, cared-for child. My first recollection of the irrational guilt came in the form of embarrassment. In the fourth grade, my family was disintegrating and we were undergoing family counseling. I remember being in those sessions so horribly embarrassed that we HAD to be there - that there was nothing I could do to prevent that humiliation of my family. Never mind that it was not mine to do anything about…I just felt like I should be able to fix it. Obviously, I couldn’t and I think that’s when I started to see myself as invisible. It played out over and over in my family. It was broken and I couldn’t fix it, so I made myself smaller and more invisible with each fracture. I finally found a way to remain invisible…by being involved in marriages and relationships so broken to start with that I couldn’t possibly fix them…thus ensuring my invisibility.

Last September, I realized a life-long dream to visit England and Ireland. I had many moments of déjà vu during that trip, but my final night was down-right surreal. After a day of traveling back to London from Ireland, I spent the evening seeing the people, shops and sights of Covent Gardens, followed by shopping in Picadilly. I was exhausted and my feet were screaming. I parked myself on the side of the fountain right there in Picadilly Circus and soaked up the sights and sounds. There was a dance “crew” busting moves right in front of me; a guy dressed up as Mr. Britain – head to toe and then some in Union Jack; a man playing a digeradoo; and, of course, all the neon lights competing for my attention. The crowd was vibrant and excited to be in London on a beautiful autumn night. I soaked up the sights and smells…committing them to memory.

As I did so, I had the overwhelming feeling that my wound in this life started there…right there in Picadilly Circus. I experienced a physical memory and an emotional response so profound that my associated thought was without doubt that I had not only been there before, but that also I had been at a crossroads with someone. I intuitively felt I had had the opportunity and power to make a choice that would fix a situation. I could’ve fixed it…but I chose not to. In an instant, I found myself sobbing at the memory of circumstances and a place I had never been before.

In the midst of this very strange and yet so real experience, I realized what I needed to do. It seemed so appropriate that I should ask forgiveness for not fixing whatever it was. For not choosing repair and resolution. Even though I don’t know who or what or why, I do know that when you send a word, thought or action into the Universe, it finds where it needs to go.

At least I know my request did, because the next thing I felt was release. Grace. Awash with forgiveness. As I walked away from Picadilly Circus that night, I knew I was leaving part of myself behind. The guilt I carried with me for half a century in this lifetime...was left at that fountain...and I walked away with a lighter heart and eyes on a future free of the past.